Moments (Diana)

[Marina Anne Sinclaire]

There was so much in her head it was hard to process it all; so many things happening and evolving before they really had time to settle. It seemed like ever since she became a cupid her life had been one long series of situations that while boring to some, were layered with meaning to her. It was like she could see in more than one dimension when people spoke now. She not only understood the words but it was like things were clicking into place in her head in new and unique ways, well at least for her. For some beings those things were as simple as collecting the mail. It just was. There was no analysis for content, no self-doubt it was what it was.

She wished she could be so sure of things. She was never more confused in her life. Even after her brothers or mother had died there was someone to lead the way; someone to guide her steps. Now there was just her and for the first time in her life she didn’t know what the true path was. Its easy when presented with evil to do the opposite, well maybe not easy, but it was a road map in and of itself. But this change in her existence was far more complex. It didn’t involve her alone. It involved others. And that scared her. She didn’t want to be responsible for others. She could barely manage herself most days. That was why she understood Cruise so well; His need to wander and even sleep around. He simply didn’t want the weight of the world pressing him down and shaping him to a mold he wasn’t ready for.

It wasn’t that she didn’t want to help people. It was that she didn’t know how. Were the words supposed to come on their own? Should she be reading poetry and the great authors for points of wisdom? Did she need to scour her textbooks for nuggets of information that would help? She just didn’t know. She was flying blind and without a net to catch her if she failed. She flipped through a book of quotations absently and one stood out:

“Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart.”-- Marcus Aurelius

Was it really that simple? Was she making it more complex than it needed to be? She was uncertain but all she could do was keep moving forward as that one Disney movie insisted. Sometimes the truest statements came from the most benign sources. All she could do is hope Trenton saw where she was coming from and why. She really needed to stop second guessing herself and take things as they came. It wasn’t like Rodney had made any promises and no one knew better than she did that a few kisses didn’t mean a lifetime of marital bliss. She wondered what Diana would say. It was so hard to talk to her right now. There was that awkwardness she felt and innate distrust that had been carved into her by 12, no make that 13 brothers. It was a hard obstacle to overcome and she knew that part of what the other woman was thinking on was the political aspects of things. One way to secure her hold in the city was to have Mari marry Trent. It made him happy, kept her safe and guaranteed that Diana would not have some bimbo trying to stake her in the back on the pretext of loving Trenton.

Now she was back to square one. Did she have the time to wait? Would Trent, being as territorial as he claimed to be, let her even consider dating Rodney; probably not, given his reactions to most humans, and males in particular. He hated Zach and the kid just roomed with him for heaven’s sake. No doubt about it, she would need to work on his territorial nature a little bit. Heck she hadn’t even introduced Cruise to him yet. THAT was going to be one hell of a meeting.

She flopped back like a teenager and exhaled a bit, blowing a few curls out of her eyes. Rolling onto her stomach she grabbed her pillow and screamed into it out of sheer unadulterated frustration. Her therapist called it a primal scream because it typified everything one was vexed about; from that red light on your way to work, to epic decisions that could change the world. She tended to do primal screams a lot. She had a lot of frustration. She was mad at being put in this position. She needed to get over herself and fast. She punched her pillow till feathers started peeking out the side and then put it aside for another. She went through a lot of those too. Right now she was visualizing her troubles as something that was too silly to be scared of. Go Harry Potter, who knew he could help give therapy for fears? She pictured Samael in a top hat and tails in his demon form performing Puttin’ on the Ritz with Gene Wilder in Young Frankenstein. It made her laugh and helped break up some of the tension she was feeling.

Lying back on the not so brutalized pillow, she grabbed her ipod and put her headset on. They were designed to shut out the universe. Or at least that was what she told herself. She kept her phone on her stomach in case it rang while she was grooving out and just let herself be for once.

[Diana McKenzie]

With a good slamming sound, the next knife hit the dartboard in the entertainment room that she had, she skipped the life cutout of Reginald for now, the dartboard and the picture was enough to get some of the frustrations of the dinner they had out of her with that Rodney guy and how Mari had tried to play it. With that again in her head she quickly grabbed the next one and threw it with force at the board where that knife came in hard right next to the other one right into the middle of the head on it. She sighed as she looked at the last one and then while turning, threw it blindly over her shoulder with force too and when she quickly looked over her shoulder for a last time saw how it was just above the other two which at least made a small smirk forming on her face as she left the room.

She walked through the hallway and looked around at the house that had changed quite a lot since she had got it for herself, especially since becoming the vampire Queen, but she didn't give too much about the superficial stuff, she wanted the control, she wanted to broaden out her community, make sure that this time and under her, things were going to be different, better, for them, for herself, for Mari. She bit her lip once she arrived in front of the girls room and looked around for a moment, listening if she heard anything that caught her attention, but on the other side of the door for one she only heard the music that Mari had obviously put on, even though it was obviously through the headset.

The next moment Diana pushed open the door and stepped into the room, quickly glancing around, then shutting the door behind her and walking toward Mari. Once she was in front of her and close enough, she sat down on the bed and easily and precise enough tucked out one of the earplugs of the headset to get her attention and cocked her head to the side at the same time. 'We have to talk about the dinner, about what happened, and the things that are obviously on your mind.' She said seriously before sighing and shrugging with her shoulders for a moment. 'I'm just trying to do the best for you here, yet at the moment that still means adopting some things from your father, only more reasonable, besides... What are you even trying to accomplish with letting this Rodney-guy have so much control over you?' Diana asked seriously, seeing it as her motherly duties and privilege to get somewhat straight to the point, even though she intentionally didn't just bring it too bluntly.

[Marina Anne Sinclaire]

She looked at her mother and shut off her ipod and put it away neatly in an end table before turning back to Diana. One thing you could say about Mari was that she was a neat freak. Nothing out of place unless it was finals or midterms and then only what made sense like textbooks or notes. She really didn't want to be a bother to even the maids here and she squirmed a bit, "Whats on my mind doesn't matter. Its not like I can do anything about it. I'm not...well I can't control how other people feel and I wouldn't want to. I just hate not being able to talk about stuff." she sighed and looked down at her pillow, "I hate not knowing where I stand and whats going on and I just want to go someplace different to sort out my feelings."

"I just...It feels like everyone is just planning my life for me. I mean do you know how it feels to be told one day you're dating this guy and that you're as good as engaged without even being asked if it was something you wanted? Do you even know what its like to try and go along and be the good daughter only to have said guy disappear on you for weeks at a time and then come back as if nothing had happened???" she flopped on her back, "Rodney made me a cupid. Not Trent, Rodney. That means that the Powers That Be had a reason for him being in my life and I want to know what that is. And Rodney doesn't control me. He doesn't tell me what to do or how to be. He just likes me and he makes me feel important. Here, its like I'm inconveniencing everyone. Everyone has to change stuff because of me. I'm the one you have to protect or look out for and I just feel like a bother." She closed her eyes and ducked her head, "I've had people telling me I'm' interfering in vampire politics. Do you know what its like to walk into a store to get a party dress and basically be told to butt out because you don't fit in and you're dad is trying to control things? I mean like I'm just not even a real person. Just a pawn. It hurts. And even when I stood up it just hurt that I even had to. I'm just...I mean before you and Trent became Elders I had vampires trying to go after me to get to Trent. And yeah its not happening now but it still did."

She closed her eyes, "I just wanted some time away to think. I mean I don't even know if I am immortal and my life is changing all around me. Trent's gone a lot and Rodney thinks I matter. That what I want matters. He listens to me. Do you know how rare it is in my life to have someone listen to ME? I mean all my life people patted me on the head but no one listens. I'm just not ready to settle down yet. I don't want to go off and do something stupid I just want to go swimming and eat hot dogs and sun bathe and just be normal for a bit. I want to sit out in the shade and do my homework and chat and eat ice cream by the lake. I want to wake up at dawn and stay awake all day and not have to nap so I can spend time with my family because everyone is nocturnal."

She slumped slightly, "I know you and Trent are busy but it gets lonely here. I mean everyone wants me to marry Trent but I don't know him all that well and after what you said it made me realize there is just so much about him I don't know. I don't even know why he'd want to date me. He's like almost four hundred years old and I'm barely past my second decade by vampire standards. And its not like I've not tried. I've spent time with Trent and anytime I kiss him for more than 3 minutes he's having to stop the fangs from coming out. I just...I don't know what to do. I don't want to tease him or anything but how can I have a relationship with a guy that has to stop himself from turning me into dinner? Is it fair to him? I mean I've tried to figure it all out but he's not home to really ask." she sighed softly.

"Rodney just wants to go out to the lake-house to spend some time together. I just thought that if I was out of the house for a bit it would help me cope with stuff like that freaky fun house and the fact there are new hunters and wolves in town. I thought it would give me a chance to finish the paperwork for this foundation I'm wanting to run to find missing and exploited kids. Plus I got marked by the Arch angel Michael and tasked to try and make sure my brother Samael doesn't kill my dad. I mean I think I'm a little too busy trying to figure things out to go do anything bad with Rodney. My head is so far away from the thought of sex right now its not even in the same galaxy."

She looked up at her mother with big eyes and bit her lip, "I know I'll have to marry Trent some day. I'm not trying to be bad I just don't want to be alone any more. I want to be around people." she said softly as she bowed her head and her shoulders slumped.

[Diana McKenzie]

Diana sighed as she listened to Mari while cocking her head the the side slightly and didn't really respond to everything she said, just shrugging her shoulders and staying quiet for a moment. 'Going somewhere else isn't necessarily going to help you Mari, besides... You don't have to make a giant deal out of everything, you don't have to please everyone.' She said as she looked at her and bit her lip then after a few seconds.

'I come from a time where those things were standard, I mean I don't even remember how I got to this point, but judging by my appearance, I was changed pretty soon in my life, but I am pretty sure that I came to that point by being forced, not having a choice, by losing everything that I cared about.' Diana said seriously as she looked in front of her and then back at Mari. She put her hand to her face when Mari continued on and on, something that Diana figured she could give an answer to everything, but she didn't even think it would all have effect even. 'Listen to me, I already told you, you don't have to please everyone, you don't have to worry about the whole vampire politics, that's my job, and the house rules here will become clear in time, I mean I can't say I ever expected to have you here, but don't you dare think for even a second your an inconvenience, because your not, and filling that in for me, or Trent, or whatever, is a bit insulting even.' Diana said honestly and seriously. 'And I don't mean that Rodney is controlling you directly or on purpose, but he has a hold on you, but I'm just convinced that it is because he's normal, he's your escape out of this mess, but it's not a mess, you only see it that way.'

'What I know of Cupids, they usually are, I don't think you'd have gotten this power that meddles in people's lives and relationships if it didn't give you another gift and curse at the same time for it, but that's the point Mari, if you are immortal, than all of this isn't necessary, you're only making it harder with Rodney, and Trent is just someone that doesn't sit still very well, but I can tell you this, most vampires that think logically that act like this? That's not out of some possessive desire or something, it's because they actually truly and deeply love the one that it is for.' Diana told Mari as she looked at her and sighed softly again. 'But I have to be honest with you... You can make your life as normal as possible with those things, with a structured day schedule but... You'll never actually be normal.' Diana said in full honesty as she looked at her, wanting her to realize it and that it wasn't even a bad thing necessarily.

Diana looked away for just a moment before looking back at Mari and biting her lip again because of what she said just now. 'But we're busy building something up, something up for you too, all of this I started up in the first place because of you, not because I had to... But because even though at first I didn't, I wanted to.' She said about the being busy. 'Because you're amazing, even if you don't see it yourself, but you've got to stop letting these things influence you so much, and your opinion of yourself, of course Trent and myself want you to marry him, but that doesn't HAVE to if you really wouldn't want to, and even if you decided to, you're the bride, you decide the pace it's going, how much you want to know about him first, and the kissing thing? Yeah... That's hard, but the only advise I can give to that is, just push on, take the risk, he'll have to get himself under control sooner or later, it's not impossible.'

Diana got up again from sitting down next to Mari and put a few steps away from her before turning back and looking at her with a thoughtful look for a moment. 'This isn't about the possibility of you having sex Mari, although I do have to say that if you had it with Trent, he'd blow you away with his vamp sex.' She joked partially with a small laugh but then shrugged her shoulders again. 'But wait... You got marked by Michael and have to stop Samael from killing your SOB of a father? And you're worried still about vampire politics and if you want Trent or not? I mean... My point mostly is that I think that you should start making a choice, not finding ways NOT to have to think about it if you get what I mean, because I met someone like that Mari... Someone like me, keeping it all inside, doing what was expected of her all the time, not thinking of her own, what SHE wanted, her name is Emery, and after we beat each other to crap a few times... We came to a mutual deal together, thinking of our own best interests, not that of her demon boss, or what I should do if I were to listen to the old vampire code.' She told her while having her arms crossed in front of her chest now.

Diana sighed again when she heard the last thing that Mari said and again took place next to her, putting her hand on the girl's shoulder and smiling softly with a cocked head. 'Like I said, it's not something that you have to but... For me, I would like to ask you to not wait until everything of the consolidation has been finished to make your decision... And think about what I said?' She said before she softly squeezed her shoulder.

[Marina Anne Sinclaire]

"My actions affect people." she said softly as she sat there and looked at her mother; quiet as she absorbed what she said.

"I'm sorry if I hurt you." she said gently as she bowed her head quietly, "I don't mean for my mind to go a hundred miles a minute." she said softly to her as she acknowledged her tendency to worry and ramble.

"I..." she'd never thought of it that way, her voice trailed off and she looked down. Was she being fair? Was she being fair to Rodney even? She massaged her temples and frowned quietly.

Mari's eyes welled up with tears at being told she wasn't normal. She didn't want to be alone and dealing with all this by herself. She knew she had to deal with people too and not just hide herself away in darkness. "But how am I supposed to help people if I live in the dark?" she asked softly of her mother as she blinked to keep the tears at bay. "And I've tried to talk to Trent. He keeps thinking he has to be something different for me other than what he is. He thinks he'll scare me if I see his face vamped out or if he doesn't conform to some standard but I swear I never gave him a standard. I mean the only things I do are to be mindful of his moods like I am most of the time with you. And I try not to...well make things harder on him or anything. But its all stuff I learned growing up with you. So its really confusing as to why he keeps seeing the need to change. Its got to be his bachelor nature that he's trying to change or something because I don't understand what else it could be."

"I can't even stop my ex boyfriend Philip from showing up. How am I supposed to control much of anything? Sometimes its hard to tell where others end and I begin with my empathy." she said softly as she looked at her and ran her hand over her comforter gently.

"I'm not ready to have sex. And Trent is still learning how not to bite me." she said softly as she looked at Diana with a bit of confusion. So many different opinions on her options and honestly she wasn't ready for any of them. She was still afraid of her father truth be told.


"People depend on me. I can't ignore Samael he freaking tried to strangle me for not telling him where my father was even though I swore truthfully I didn't know. Samael is dangerous and unstable and so it makes sense to think about how I do things because he darn near killed me the other day." she said with a bit of a slump to her shoulders as she placed her head in her palms before hearing about Emery and smiling softly, "I'm glad you found someone, Mom. I was worried after Trent and my dad that you wouldn't. I didn't want you to be alone."

"I'll think about what you said." she nodded quietly and leaned against her, "I'm worried about, Trent though, he's been acting kind of odd. I'm afraid he's going to do something to make his life harder. He's so wound up all the time I don't know what's wrong." she admitted softly.

[Marina Anne Sinclaire]

Summary

Diana listens as Mari talks about Philip, silently resolving to deal with the problem with Trent so that its one less thing to distract Mari. As she listens to what Samael has done to Mari she keeps her calm but inwardly decides to see what she can do to deal with Samael as well; uncertain if speaking with him is the wisest course of action. Hearing how Trent is behaving and seeing the worry in Mari's eyes she does her best to reassure her that Trent loves her and they will work on this together.

Mari nods quietly but tells Diana she is still worried given the mood swings she is picking up from him and the fact that Trent wants her to go away for the weekend with Rodney. She thinks that it has something to do with the tape of her attack in The Game but Trent was evasive when she asked questions. She admits she's finding it hard to find the balance between being too nosy and letting Trent handle things on his own.

Seeing that these are all the things a young woman that has been on very few dates goes through Diana assures her she will speak with Trent and that as long as Mari keeps talking and spending time with Trent she'll consent (VERY GRUDGINGLY!!) to let Mari spend the weekend with Rodney. Mari thanks her and points out that she and Trent spend time together when he is in town as much as they can given their schedules and that she's not going to ignore Trent because he's done so much for her. She is just trying to cope with everything.