Hiatus

[Merry Grace Lovelace]

After much deliberation it pains me to say this.

I need to go on hiatus. My health has gone downhill and I've tried not talking about it and not letting it drag me down but it has. Top all that off with turning 40 and a potential relationship I had going bust and my crappy father wanting to visit me and its just not a good time for me.

I logged on to get away from health problems and relationship drama and it just feels like I walked right into it all again. It just stirrs up too much stuff for me right now. I'm too ill to just shrug it off and go "Its just rp." I rp to get those things that I don't have in my rl.

I tried to keep a lot of it to myself I figured that maybe there would be a clue or something and maybe it would help me feel better but it doesn't. It just makes me feel worse because it reminds me of things that I have to just work through that are going to take time.

Yes I'll get through it. But right now it hurts and it sucks and I just want to curl up and cry most of the time. I'm just tired of being stressed and sick and feeling like I just have to ride the waves because it makes me feel so darn helpless.

Anyway I'm going on hiatus for a while. I don't know for how long I just really hate myself right now and need to not be here before I lose any friends.

[Thayer Jaime Gallager-Hart]

It's a real shame but hope all goes well with you.

We look forward to your return.

[Merry Grace Lovelace]

I hope so too. Its just...

I've been the girl that had to leave a relationship because crap went down. I was the girl who put up with the bitchy best friend being angry at me for being with a guy she wanted. I LIVED that crap at 27. I left because it was toxic and because he was doing bad things to me. I knew I had to leave but it hurt. It hurt cause I did the right thing and got guilt tripped and dumped on for walking away and not letting myself be used that way. Because I thought (stupidly) that people you love wouldn't hurt you. I figured my crappy childhood was just that and that adults wouldn't play mind games.

I left and fell into a worse situation where I was beaten and told I was crap for 2 years straight. The very thing I was trying to get away from right??? No dice, didn't work. I hit Tucson at the age of 27 after a year with NO friends, NO boyfriend. It got so bad I tried to commit suicide. I was put on suicide watch and I put myself in therapy for five days a week.

When I tried to walk out of the sucking void that was my life at that point for something better I basically got beat up, had to call the cops and then come back for my stuff with a bunch of male friends that wanted to kick the person who hurt me's ass. I moved out and moved in the place I am now.

Now I've had a relationship blow up in my face, I'm very close to the anniversary of 2 grandparents deaths the week of my birthday and I'm turning 40 as well as being premenapausal. I'm not feeling well due to stress and such from not having a job so yeah its not a good time for me to pile on angst right now. It just spirals down into badness for me. I've tried to articulate this for weeks without having to go into horrible graphic detail about my life and the facts in it but I just feel like I keep having to justify WHY I don't want to write something or do something and the fact is I shouldn't feel like I have to. I should not feel like I have to write this. But I wanna keep my friends so clearly me going "I'm not okay with that." isn' t enough of an explanation for folks.

I don't hate anyone. I don't dislike anyone here to such an extent that I'm seeing red. But I just cannot continue to fix my life and deal with the real life stuff in it and be dealing with rp stuff that triggers more issues for me. I just can't. THAT'S why I've been plot blocked for my own stuff for weeks. Because my brain can't come out of being depressed about it and trying to figure out how to word whats been eating at me to figure a way back to a less angst riddled rp.

I'm still very hurt that my friend Joh left. I know its Joh's choice but yeah, all of my Tucson folks have basically backed out of here saying "Too much drama man!" now is it too much for them? Who knows? I just know that my sounding boards for I'm doing okay have stopped talking to me. I don't have that voice on the other end of the phone telling me I can write my way out of this and it will be okay. I'm scared I'll kick up too much stuff and become a rampaging shrew that makes everyone hate her. I'm scared that all that above mentioned crap will come up and I'll lash out at people that had nothing to do with it.

Because I don't want to do that. I don't want to be the person that gets hurt and yells at someone because they wrote something that kicked up a bad memory they knew nothing about. Normally I do okay. I have Adam to talk to and he helps me sort it out (And yes I'm very grateful he's here now). I can send Adam my posts and go "Is this okay? Is this too much?" and he can go "Yes" or "No." and if I get brain locked he's a good logical voice to help unlock me. But Adam is going to the sandbox so thats not as much of an option. He's gonna go through so much more stuff that he doesn't need my emo problems on top of it.

Charlie has been a good sounding board but I don't want to over burden her. I don't want to over burden Mooshi or anyone and I think me being upset at any of the rp is stupid. Its dumb and I should just gtf over it. I should just move on and be happy but when I'm not feeling good physically or its the anniversary of someones death 2 days before my 40th birthday its really hard. I need happy distractions and hugs and phone calls. Just stuff saying its okay. I'm okay and that I didn't hurt anyone with something I stupidly said in the cbox or in a pm or message.

I'm afraid I've already hurt folks and that bothers me greatly. I'm just sad and afraid I've lost friends.

[ELI VINCENT DIASTONE]

Mmkk Hunny Get well darls and if you ever need anything, Charlie is always here as an open ear.

Also, here is the Summer sig you wanted for Merry. Hopefully it gives you a sprig of hope XD !

[center][img]http://img404.imageshack.us/img404/6356/summerb.png[/img][/center]

[Merry Grace Lovelace]

Thank you, honey. I appreciate it and I probably will chat for a bit. Mooshi helped me figure a lot of stuff out in my head. I just want to take it easy for a few days and not rush back before I'm ready. They're doing construction near my apartment and the jackhammers are just wreaking havoc and giving me migraines. I promise I will be okay its just I can't fix stuff if my sleep keeps getting disturbed by construction. I'm going to get some ear plugs and it should help.

Sorry if this is kinda disjointed and rambling. Still figuring what order I need to do stuff in. I love the sig btw its gorgeous!! Thank you for the early birthday present. ;D

[ELI VINCENT DIASTONE]

Its okay my love ! I'll always be there for you

Coz I'll be there for you......
When the rain starts to fall.
I'll be there for you......
Like I've been there before.
I'll be there for you......
Coz Your There for me tooooooooo!

Just finished watching friends, and wanted you to know that I am always here

[Merry Grace Lovelace]

Awww now you have me all blushing. You're so sweet honey, thank you. Its really helping. I think I had a stomach virus or something that lasted for 24 hours. Feeling better slowly though so just relaxing and taking it easy.